Felix and I this morning when he finally went to sleep (for five minutes)
Today was a long day!
It's hard to explain to people that haven't been the primary carer of a baby how a day doing nothing can be so long. Other than an appointment for Felix in the morning, I hadn't moved far from the couch all day, I had powered through far too many episodes of Grey's Anatomy and I was lucky to have washed my breakfast dishes.
But I was exhausted none the less.
I was stuck worrying about his weight gain (or lack of) following his 8-week check-up as he dropped further down on the growth charts and now sits on the 6th percentile.
My mind constantly turned to what I am doing wrong because it must be my fault for some reason (mum guilt will forever rule my life). Is he not getting enough milk, should he be feeding more regularly, am I selfish for letting him do 6-hour stints at night just so I can sleep, is it something that I'm eating, are there other symptoms that I'm missing or dismissing? These are all questions that I ask myself multiple times a day.
I constantly google his symptoms and the possible causes in hopes that the answer will magically appear, in reality, this is pointless and I just need to wait until his doctor's appointment on Thursday to get his test results from a recent poo sample (I had to freeze his poo which was a bit weird).
Pair that with the fact that Felix had barely slept all day and the only time he would sleep was when he was on me. I have had to constantly choose between a crying baby and going to the toilet, risking him waking in 5 minutes time if I put him down just so I can have lunch, or trying to get anything done with one hand whilst I carry him around with me.
As exhausting as it is, I know that I will miss these cuddly days as he grows quicker than I'm willing to admit. People are always reminding me about how the housework and everything else can wait and to just enjoy these moments but it's a struggle because I put too much pressure on myself.
Aidan couldn't care less if the washing hasn't been done or there is dishes in the sink because he understands how exhausting Felix can be some days but I care.
I put so much pressure on myself to 'do it all' and cannot relax unless my house is in order, even if it means strapping Felix to my chest whilst I vacuum. I am also terrible at accepting help and hate feeling vulnerable.
I don't think that it's uncommon for new parents to feel this way and it is probably why people are constantly reiterating how normal it is to feel all of these emotions but no matter how normal they are, I am left feeling like today was a fail.
Tomorrow is a new day, it may be another fail but it could also be a win - it's anyone's guess.
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